Tweets (10006)
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Sometimes I like to pretend that big old fallen trees are giant dinosaur carcasses.
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Went for a walk thru an old lava field on the Deschutes River & now I'm getting some work done. Is this what the kids call "telecommuting"?
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Anyone have an AT&T iPhone 4(S) I can borrow in June? I'm going to Anchorage in a school bus with 9 people and a Chihuahua. Gotta document!
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@brke Sure. I'm just gonna throw into my time capsule, so it doesn't need to be spit shined or anything.
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@brke Totes. The 4S is obviously better, but I'll take an iPhone 4 for sure. We'll give it a shot. Oh, and I can I have my iPhone OG back?
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@brke Ok. Maybe something could be worked out there. I don't HAVE to have an 4S. That's why I said, "4(S)". Get it? ;)
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@brke @bookis How exactly are they broken? Do you think I could take one to an AT&T store and convince them to give me a new one?
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I realize how ridiculous this is, but does anyone have an AT&T iPhone 4(S) lying around that I could borrow for the month of June? #longshot
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"My favorite color is... well, I don't know how to say it in your language. It's sort of greenish, but with more dimensions." - Siri
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After the Tumalo Falls hike, Miranda, Colleen, and I went for glorious run on the Deschutes River Trail. So beautiful.
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@kehahn Yeah! Don't take no shit from nobody. Especially @sumpter82.
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Bummed that I missed the crazy thunderstorms in Portland today, but I really can't complain. Tumalo Falls! http://t.co/XIVEhMqp
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Cruising with Miranda & Deanna listening to @Kimbramusic's new album on @Spotify. Getting DOWN on "Settle Down". http://t.co/1J6GjCaP
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@lalavalse Ha ha. :) Yeah, something like that. But I did just got back from a BEAUTIFUL run along the Deschutes River. Not too shabby.
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@lalavalse I'm so happy for you! BEER! Wish I was there to join you, but I'm predisposed in Bend at the moment.
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I gotta hand it to @TheShins for rocking quite a bit harder than I thought they would. Good on ya, y'all.
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At the Blind Pilot / The Head & The Heart / The Shins show in Bend with my homegirls Deanna & Miranda. http://t.co/EFqiMF1G
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Rolled up to Bend for a jam-packed weekend with Deanna, Miranda, Colleen, and Friends. Happy 30th Birthday Miranda!
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@mcrashelle They're amazing! Srsly. Grind up walnuts in the food processor and throw in some soy sauce & cumin. Serve with Endive Tortillas.
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"I can't do that on here. It's too difficult." - @n8duke, on the difficulty of capitalizing words on his crappy T9 flip phone
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Bday Party / Ice Reunion at Jay & Susan's last night: Nicole, Zimm, T, Bodie... lots of Baby TV and Susan made bomb-ass Vegan Walnut Tacos.
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For the record, I was there the first time Kristen Reyes 1) ate at a Food Cart and 2) picked a wild Salmonberry. Nbd.
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Been having a PORTLANDRIFIC time with Kristen: Kennedy School Soaking Pool, Powell's, food carts, Forest Park, and Multnomah Falls. PDX!
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@ejipp Wanna do a tour of the Theo Chocolate Factory on June 2nd at 10:30am? I've got 2 tickets with your name all over 'em!
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Photo: Happy Birthday, Hannah! A self portrait of my sister (isn’t she so pretty?!) in Central Park, NYC ::... http://t.co/qY0XtKeQ
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My photo of the Nathaniel B. Palmer will be used in The Naval Institute Guide to Ships & Aircraft of the U.S. Fleet! http://t.co/A6eiZ6Je
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Totally digging my new MacBook Pro Dvorak keyboard cover from @KBCovers. If you're looking for one, look no further. http://t.co/Eo8hvWfo
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"Break it down? Are ya kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany." - Kronk, The Emperors New Groove
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While waiting for the 72, a crazy hobo was pole dancing / grinding on the bus stop sign to some classic rock jams from his ghetto blaster.
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I *will* judge you by how many Safari windows you have open on your iPhone.
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BUR ✈ PDX - From warm & sunny LA to cold & rainy Portland. It's good to be home.
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The four of us crammed into a 2-person tent that night and it was actually quite comfy. You should try it sometime. http://t.co/h0LtMnO5
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This is where I ran 50k this past weekend, at the Chamberlin Ranch in Los Olivos, California. Not too shabby, huh? http://t.co/UIGj2wJD
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My flight was canceled, so I'm nerding at Bob Hope Airport while Shane & Anneke finish dinner at P.F. Chang's. Veggie Lettuce Wraps to go!
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.@United Airlines has called me FOUR TIMES to let me know that my flight has been delayed from 8:46pm to 9:13, 9:03, 9:24, and 9:11pm.
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Played a round of Left Right Center at the @farmhouse, and @evanphx took the pot. He couldn't stop fondling his money the rest of the day.
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I left a splinter in my palm to see how long it would take for my body to reject it, and now I know: about 2 ½ weeks.
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@mcrashelle Very excited! :) I know that there will be SOME musicians going, but I'm not exactly sure who.
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@mcrashelle Totes let's play! Mos def. I would love to stay and see that show, but I'm leaving on a crazy School Bus Alaskan Adventure.
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@mcrashelle I'm coming up on the evening of June 1st and then leaving on the morning of June 4th. What's your plans?
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@jlsuttles Thanks! It was hard, but we had a great time. @bookis did the full 100k and I did 50k.
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@Stumpacalypse Thanks, Big Guy. I tried my best, but my stupid IT Bands cut me off at 50k. But still, I'm happy with a 6-hour 50k.
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I saw one of the most intense things in my entire life today: a momma cow who died WHILE GIVING BIRTH with her dead baby HALF WAY OUT. Wow.
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I tried my hardest to power thru 100k (like @bookis), but my STUPID IT Bands forced me to call it after 50k (6 hrs). Still had loads of fun.
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Headed up to Los Olivos with @Bookis to run 100 kilometers at the Born to Run Ultra Marathon tomorrow. Wish us luck!
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A Google Image search for "train wreck" returns some interesting results. Very consistent, with the unexpected sprinkled in here and there.
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Hiking around the Old Zoo at Griffith Park, we found this squirrel and bug that were best friends. So cute. http://t.co/OPhsiaO4
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@akstrahan @andrewjfoster @mikeblessing And AJ knows I love sass, so it's all good. And who doesn't love a little trash talkin'?
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@sumpter82 I don't mean to be a jerk or anything, but @kehahn and I were having an A / B conversation, so C your way out of it. Thanks. ;)
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COLORS - A @RubyMotion iOS App to help the colorblind figure out colors and stuff. It'll be on the App Store soon. ;) https://t.co/fIbBDufB
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Stayed up until 2:30am tonight, but I wrote my very first iPhone App with @RubyMotion and I'm pretty excited about it. You're gonna LOVE it.
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Check out this 1944 patent application for a "Liquid Filled Dice Agitator", aka Magic 8-Ball. Amazing. http://t.co/cymSnRL4 /cc @jkottke
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Waking up at the @farmhouse... the early morning sun is peeking through the trees while song birds make such joyful noises!
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@kehahn That's hilarious! But seriously, I was just wondering if you have a twitter account because I want to follow you.
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Triangle is SUCH a good movie. You should watch it. I included a link, but don't read the description, just watch it. http://t.co/ryB77Wi5
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This dairy / gluten / grain / soy-free and 80% raw Key Lime Cheesecake just BLEW MY MIND. Thanks, @alittlekrey! http://t.co/YLlH697q
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@robconery Sounds amazing, it really does, but $15,000 per week? Yowza! /cc @topfunky
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"It's like a hoarder who is taking forever to get rid of shit." - Kristen, on how annoyingly long menstruation is
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Pretty sure there was mouse poop in the bulk raw cashews at the Hollywood Whole Foods, but the worker who I told couldn't have cared less.
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Went on a KILLER run up into Griffith Park with @bookis, and then I'm pretty sure we got brainwashed by Scientology. It makes so much sense!
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Have you heard of Bobs Shoes? For every pair you buy, they give a new pair to a child in need. Such a cool idea! http://t.co/P7rsUJuO
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I tried to buy this painting of a SUPER creepy baby at the Rose Bowl Flea Market, but it wasn't for sale. Shucks! http://t.co/eOzCPHg1
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@akstrahan Sweet. I'm actually in LA right now, so… maybe wait until the 21st. Then we can have French Bulldog cuddle parties every day!
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@akstrahan Totally for sure! I sorta thought we already were, but this whole French Bulldog thing really seals the deal. Come to Portland!
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While making myself lunch, I killed a bag of kale, a bag of nori, a carton of rice milk, a carton of almond milk, and a bottle of hot sauce.
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I love that the tag line for "What To Expect..." is "It's Too Late To Pull Out Now". Seriously. The billboards alone should be rated PG-13.
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Took shelter from the sun with an older couple whose friend was the "Head of the Disney Animation Cell Dept" during the Little Mermaid era.
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Kicking it at the Rose Bowl Flea Market. It's bigger than you could ever imagine. My brain hurts.
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Played with some tar at the LA BREA TAR PITS and got two squashed pennies! One of them was of a Dire Wolf. :) I had no idea they were real.
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@myrdalkombat I'm probably gonna be in Seattle for the weekend of June 2nd & 3rd, before I leave for Alaska, so let's party! /cc @bookis
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Ran ON THE BEACH ystrdy w/ Pat Sweeney, Guinness World Record holder for Greatest Distance Run On Sand in 24 hrs. Nbd. http://t.co/9FibUq4x
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@sumpter82 @kehahn I know I've said it before, but you two are hilarious and SOOO cute together. Get a room! (If you do, can I watch? ;)
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Hey, Portland! I just got tickets to see @DearLandlord at @Rotture on MY BIRTHDAY. Woo hoo! You should come too. https://t.co/edJ1ANXL
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SoCal adventure day with @Bookis & Sweeney: played frisbee golf (+16), got stung by a bee, swam with a giant seal, and pooped in the ocean!
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"Politics is weird… [it] lacks even the loosest attachment to anything like reality." - Shepard Smith, Fox News http://t.co/W0XXw2LP
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"Politics is weird... and creepy. And now I know lacks even the loosest attachment to anything like reality." - Shepard Smith, Fox News
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While hiking through Bronson Canyon ystrdy, two minimalist runners ran by and one said to the other, "Those guys were wearing @LunaSandals."
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Watched THE MIST tonight (probably my 6th time) with Alex, Kristen, and @Bookis, and it's still an amazing movie. Gotta love that ending.
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Hiked up Bronson Canyon to the HOLLYWOOD sign this afternoon with Alex, Kristen, and @bookis. Sometimes LA can be pretty.
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Rose Leslie is my new crush. From Downton Abbey to Game of Thrones. Yowza. I love her rough Scottish voice. http://t.co/O5gTf3WX
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Coconut Nectar (inflorescence) tastes exactly like Fruit Pebble Cereal Milk. It's creepy and delicious!
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@sumpter82 @kehahn It was lots of fun. Good people, good food, and I got to see @matesofstate LIVE in my friend's back yard. Very cool.
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@kehahn @sumpter82 You guys! Now I'm blushing. :D In LA, hanging at the @farmhouse after the 2nd Annual #farmhouseconf! http://t.co/gCtD9s72
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@plain_lo My brother (@n8duke) saw @HuntressKills last night in Portland and said they were great. You're friends with the singer, right?
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The Hollywood Farmers Market is awesome. Filled my belly with so many citrus samples and then Lemon Basil Sorbet. What a beautiful day!
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Got a huge splinter, twisted my ankle, my foot is bleeding, and I broke 2 lightbulbs all before 7:30am. Gonna be a good day! #farmhouseconf
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Psst! Hey! Will you do me a favor? Please wish @ brke (w/o the space) a Happy Birthday. Even if you don't know her, she'd really like it.
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We've all had a LONG day at the @farmhouse with buttloads of yard work and stringing lights behind us. Really looking forward to sleep.
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Massive three-way nerd boner with @bookis & @evanphx over @rubymotion. Write iOS Apps in Ruby?!? This is very exciting. http://t.co/1nITaTyj
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I think ALL toilets, public and private, should come with a book of matches. Seriously. They are THE BEST air freshener, hands down.
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@BenPMorin San Sabastian is so beautiful! Yeah! Will you have a chance to hop across the border to Biaritz? Definitely worth it.
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@sumpter82 Perfect. If I know anything about @kehahn it's that she LOVES Brian McKnight.
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@sumpter82 @kehahn Tell me about it! I'd say just go with the Wild Flowers and maybe some homemade jam or dilly beans or something.
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@sumpter82 @kehahn I know, right? I mean, you don't want go with just plain old roses… I think I'd recommend a wild flower arrangement.
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@sumpter82 I don't blame you, man. @kehahn is a real catch. I mean, she's super smart, super hilarious, and super hot. Can't go wrong there.
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@sumpter82 @kehahn You two are so cute together, even if it is only digitally.
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Walking outside & up the ramp onto the plane, the smell of diesel in the air, I had some crazy flashbacks of life as an Antarctic Fuelie. :)
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PDX ✈ BUR to help Shane get ready for @Farmhouse Conf 2 on May 5th. If you live in LA you have no excuse not to come. http://t.co/gCtD9s72
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Went to preschool with @n8duke this morning & filled in for Nula (3) as the Pretty Banana. The amazing thing: her costume fit me perfectly!
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Went to a HOOTENANNY last night w/ Colleen & Friends. We sang songs & played guitars. I led the group in a modulated round of Row Your Boat!
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I really, really like peanuts. Srsly. They're my favorite, but I'm pretty sure they just turn into farts after I put them in my belly. Hmmm.
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My stupid IT Band flared up again, forcing me to stop after only 8 miles. The trails were so beautiful. Wish I could have stayed out longer.
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@akstrahan Well there's no question about that, on both accounts, but would this Dire Wolf have some sort of special wolf saddle?
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@akstrahan Wow. It's early on Sunday morning: you're talking about riding a Dire Wolf to get chicken & waffles, and I'm on my way to a 100k.
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I'm up at 5:30am on my way to the Council Crest Endurance Run in Marquam Park. Maybe I'll do 25k, maybe I'll do 100k. Who knows?
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Went to an *AMAZING* show at @awoldance tonight with Colleen. Unbelievable. Srsly. Mind blown at least half a dozen times. Thanks, ladies!
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@brke And I just stood there staring at you with a tear rolling down my cheek as you left without even the faintest of backward glances. :(
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I'm facing backwards on the train while playing with my phone (texting and such) and I'm NOT feeling motion sick. This is a big deal for me.
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And just like that I'm on the train back to Portland. Time really does fly when you're having fun.
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Photo: Headlamps at the Tree Line Aid Station during the Leadville 100 Ultra Marathon in Colorado :: August... http://t.co/LjvhfSXD
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Really excited about this "Four Factories" article in The Stranger that features @LunaSandals. It's like How It's Made! http://t.co/f18RIKqd
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While working another LONG day at the @LunaSandals Factory, I upgraded an iMac G5 to 2GBs of RAM. Never thought I'd get PAID to do that. :)
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Retweets (721)
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Cedar Reimer: Didn't know cutoff mom jeans were the must-have item of the season. Gonna skip that one. #Sasquatch2012
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Sarah Brown: Isn't it a shame how "theological issues" with women and gay people look exactly like misogyny and homophobia?
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Important things to remember: 1. Be proud of who you are 2. Always be pure, simple & honest 3. You are unlimited.
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Hrrrthrrr: "Let's hold hands so we are safe and don't crash like when my ipad crashes." -my 4 year old nephew
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Billy Madison: That moment when the little voice in your head says, " So hot want to touch the hiney Awoooo!"
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Eli Yudin: Man, I love sex. When you get a fine-lookin lady back to your tent and start rubbin your dude-stump up on her dry desert slot. Hot dog!
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N8duke: Lucas & i just *killed* pantera's "i'm broken" on guitar hero! "Did they bury dimebag darrel with his guitar?" good question, aiden.
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Billy Madison: Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.
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Justin Halpern: Portland, doing a reading of my new book at Powell's Hawthorne location tonight at 7. Look for me. I'll be the one without the mustache.
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Noah Slater: The idea that you're nothing until you have a degree was drummed in to me since birth. Such a crock of shit.
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Mark Rennie: There's no right way to ask a woman if she's pregnant, so I just ignore every single woman.
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Almightygod: Thanks to everyone who came to church today to tell me how awesome I am. I really needed an ego boost.
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Nick: "Wow 6 facebook friends have birthdays today," I whispered to no one. I closed my eyes and tried to remember what sunlight feels like.
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Lauren Ashley Bishop: instead of a padded bra i wear cupcakes boys are all hey wait your real boobs are small and im like hey wait free cupcakes everybody wins
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Talia Imbrescia: Man, I totally would have repinned that trite quotation, but it had an extraneous apostrophe and the typeface was shit
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Kathryn Elizabeth: "You look tired." "Everything ok." <-- favorite things to hear when you aren't tired and you feel perfect.
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Justin Halpern: My wife has requested I stop describing what I look like as "Jason Biggs with AIDS." I offered up "Adrian Brody with AIDS." No dice.
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Ellie Brown: Listening to people trash talk marriage as I walk to class. It is what you make it, people.
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Mark Rennie: We should abolish the outdated concepts of gender! So if you see me in the ladies' room it's because I'm being political and had to pee.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Go to Google and search "Meth Heads" then browse the images that come up... good luck sleeping tonight jerks!
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Jadedpunkhulk: WHO YOU THINK BETTER POP PUNK BAND: FALL OUT BOY OR THE BAND IN FREE CREDIT SCORE COMMERCIAL?
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Seriously guys, I've done way too much cardio getting in & out of bed so I'm staying here in this fetal position for the rest of the night.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Someone should punch me in the face for watching royal wedding recap shows for the past 2 hrs. Nevermind, just took care of it.
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N8duke: Listening to @eliduke explain hashtags to a kitchen full of single ladies. #Hashtag #twofingerscroll
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Rob Delaney: "It just feels so good to have a clean apartment!" - someone who's never killed a bear with a sword
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Mick Danny: The wikipedia page for Mama's Family is far, far more detailed than it has any right to be.
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Mark Rennie: It's very helpful when people tell me that I'm sweating. Otherwise, I'd have no idea! Please, keep it up!
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Kathryn: its probably time for a hair cut when your mullet flaps in the wind. #hipsterproblems
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Was singin in the shower this morning & now I can't stop thinking about why I haven't made an album yet! I sound incredible in there U GUYS.
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Justin Bieber: kinda weirded out that no one got the secret meaning of #boyfriend Obviously listening closely you can tell its about the migration of birds
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Mark Rennie: Every now and then I watch the climatic furnace scene in Toy Story 3 just to feel something.
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Harris Wittels: Lemme get this straight, I set up auto bill payment and you send me a paper statement anyway? Who you tryin to get crazy with , esse?
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Kelly Oxford: Cool living in a world where I can watch a movie about people's mouths sewn to other people's assholes, but it's hard to get birth control.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: This morning I told the guy workin' the Starbucks drive thru that I love him & he laughed. WE LIVE IN A SICK WORLD!
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Kathryn Elizabeth: If someone tells you they're eating at Red Robin just whisper "RIP friend"... b/c their days are numbered.
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Kelly Oxford: A great relationship is when you notice your guy has just outfarted a giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god he did it!!”
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Sarah Beattie: sharks aren't trying to eat you they just hug with their mouths cuz it's the biggest part of their body next to their hearts
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Aj Foster: Successfully cut my nails after work waiting for the bus. Right pinkie nail fell just as the bus pulled up to the stop. #feellikeawinner
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Elaine Carroll: The middle seat? No, just put my decaying carcass in cargo so these nice folks next to me can have their precious elbow room.
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Elaine Carroll: A fight broke out at the JFK jamba juice that began "If that spoon even touches that mango, I'll die". So far my vacation has been fun!
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Elaine Carroll: Flying to Florida to hang out with a 3-year-old and a 98-year-old. I'm expecting sunshine with a good chance of naps.
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Leslie Chow Parody: If someone with a baby sits next to me on a plane, I smile politely and say "I'm legally obligated to tell you I'm a level 3 sex offender."
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Sarah Beattie: gonna open up a restaurant that's just a bunch of sinks for guys to stand over while eating then sit back and pick out a boyfriend
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Either this guy is attmpting a hammerhead barrel roll stunt dive into his bag of chips or he's having a hard time accpting they're all gone.
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Rob Delaney: Now that Facebook bought Instagram, "The Social Network 2" will have to be directed by Wes Anderson.
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Kelly Oxford: I'd love a montage of kids eating Easter candy set to the chorus of Falco's "Rock me Amadeus" with the word Diabetes replacing Amadeus.
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Kelly Oxford: Tonight I have to hide candy around my house & pretend a rabbit did it because all of my kids' friends' asshole parents are doing it.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Is there a sport where soccer players & baseball players line up to let me compare the tenderness and shape of their asses? #openingday
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Have you ever met someone whose tan makes you so uncomfortable you feel like they have a boner on their forehead?
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Damien Fahey: My favorite thing to do is get on the PA system at Trader Joe's and announce they cancelled Coachella.
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Paul Rust: Reading a review of a book about music criticism is the furthest anyone can get from actual human experience.
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Jonathan Baltz: Google's April Fool's Joke is public. It's called "Google Play," an online marketplace to complete with Amazon & iTunes. They're so silly.
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Chris Mc Dougall: caballo had the only funeral he would have wanted: his friends spent days running in the wilderness in his honor.
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Justin Halpern: I COULD get out of bed, OR, I could google whether or not Bumble Bee Man on The Simpsons spoke english in the spanish version of the show.
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Chris Mc Dougall: Better luck tomoro. 54 of us searched today,plus dogs,planes, horses, choppers, and still no sign of caballo. Baffling.
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Justin Halpern: I don't believe the Ninja turtles were teenaged. No way you have time to fight crime AND masturbate twice a day.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Can we please get to a point where it's unacceptable to say things like "cast a wide a net" & "low hanging fruit" at work?
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Rob Delaney: One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."
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Hustle Man : If you watch Jaws backwards it's about a shark that keeps barfing up people so that a beach can be opened.
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Sean Brewster: I think my grandparents would be happy to know they died before having to worry about their "web presence."
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Ashley Strahan: Pearl the cat is super vocal tonight. She's been telling me all about her day and I never even asked.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Can someone tell me WHY Lifetime, the channel for women, is not airing the IU game? Unbelievable. Un-f*cking-believable.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: At bedtime, I wish you'd turn into a robot mommy who says "carter you can stay up for 40 more minutes." - my son
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Kathryn Elizabeth: I might not know u personally but if u wear a visor NOT ironically, I already know everything I need to know about you... And it's not good.
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Now I'm Worried: Now I’m worried that my imitation leather shoes are real leather and someone from PETA will throw paint in my face.
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Aj Foster: It's really amazing the things you see and hear when you stop and slow down. It's a beautiful, tortured world out there.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Hitch hiking couple on 116th, kissing&holding hands. I wldn't pick them up b/c I don't let strangers have sex in my car & those 2 r def DTF
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Shane Becker: iPhone means I can conduct business while sitting in a 40s themed barbershop waiting to get a shave and a hair cut.
Hashtag. Two bits.
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Elaine Carroll: Just dropped my laptop on the coffee shop floor and everyone gasped and when I opened it and it still worked everyone clapped and I bowed.
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Shane Becker: Life. Love. Lessons.
1. If you see someone pretty, talk to them.
2. If that goes well, get their number.
3. No one is out of your league.
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Mark Rennie: Remember when the guy in Titanic claimed to be "King of the World" and then slowly froze to death?
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Andrew Wk: Outside the walls of logic and reason, I'm having a magical party. I'll meet you there.
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Mark Rennie: I'm so mad about them making the Ninja Turtles aliens. They're taking something stupid and making it dumb!
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Laura Buttery: My stomach just made the exact sound of a rack of tiles refilling in a game of Words With Friends.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: I just had the most intense staring contest someone at Starbucks and now I think I'm pregnant. That's how it works, right?
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Kelly Oxford: Hey everyone storing food and supplies 'In case of apocalypse', if it happens, you're going to be murdered for that shit.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: That gas station attendent was so attentive. I extended my arms for a hug, but he looked at me all judgy. He's right, hugs r kinda fuqed up.
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Now I'm Worried: Now I’m worried that my grandson heard me yawn on the phone while he was telling me about his co-workers.
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Laura Buttery: At what point/age to men stop caring that it's totally creepy and gross to check out 15 year old children? Sick.
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Jenny Slate: Yes, guy at LAX wearing articulated toe sneakers: EVERYONE HAS 2 TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES, EVEN THE SHITTY, GROSS FUCKED UP PSYCHO SHOES
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Mark Rennie: Let chubby girls be chubby and skinny girls be skinny so they can all shut up about their body issues already.
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Tyler Tervooren: Comment of the day on AR: Any idiot can run a marathon, but it takes a special kind of idiot to run an ultra.
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Harris Wittels: Fuck. Was just recorded by the google earth car. Just to be clear, I was jerking off NEAR pigeons, not TO them.
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Bookis: I understand the vastness of our universe and the never ending possibilities, but I truly think we have the strangest planet ever.
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Kelly Oxford: The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: At an IT conference & every dude in this session looks alike: glasses, balding, collared shirt & resting an iPad on their distended mangut.
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Sarah Beattie: I wish I had one leg so if someone started complaining to me about their relationship problems I could just point at my stump and frown
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Justin Halpern: Mitt Romney acts like an alien that's travelled to earth to blend in with humans so that he can study us and report back to his planet.
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Iangphillips: While "Vulgar Display of Hops" is a pretty good name for a beer, "Fucking Hopstile" is much better.
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Mark Rennie: #FF @eliduke He travels a bunch, so following him is like going on vacation (without the risk of malaria)
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Jenny Slate: The ad for adult diapers w a super sickly looking actress saying "Dry as a bone!" while looking at the floor does NOT make me horny.
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Favorites (1030)
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Eli Duke: Sometimes I like to pretend that big old fallen trees are giant dinosaur carcasses.
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Mcrashelle: Attractive facts: driving over 520 makes me have to pee real bad. I have sweaty armpits.
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Alli Osborn: These premises? This premise? No one was apt to correct me on that. And @eliduke even favorited it!
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Morgen Myrdal: OH on NPR: "...they have literally no bottoms to their pockets." thats's for you, @eliduke
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Eli Duke: @sumpter82 @kehahn I know I've said it before, but you two are hilarious and SOOO cute together. Get a room! (If you do, can I watch? ;)
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Collin Sumpter: @kehahn oh so I'm a MFer now? Ice that Charlie horse cuz im going to drive my knee into it!
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Eli Duke: @sumpter82 @kehahn It was lots of fun. Good people, good food, and I got to see @matesofstate LIVE in my friend's back yard. Very cool.
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Eli Duke: @kehahn @sumpter82 You guys! Now I'm blushing. :D In LA, hanging at the @farmhouse after the 2nd Annual #farmhouseconf! http://t.co/gCtD9s72
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Morgen Myrdal: There are some things about my job that bother me. And guess what? I'm gonna try keeping mouth shut for once. #lessonsfromtheice
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Eli Duke: @sumpter82 Perfect. If I know anything about @kehahn it's that she LOVES Brian McKnight.
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Collin Sumpter: @eliduke @kehahn ok good. I'm in the process of writing a song to go with it. Trying to get someone famous like Brian McKnight to help
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Eli Duke: @sumpter82 @kehahn Tell me about it! I'd say just go with the Wild Flowers and maybe some homemade jam or dilly beans or something.
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Collin Sumpter: @eliduke @kehahn good call don't wanna make her mad. Haha I mean we know how she gets when u F up a flower order.
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Eli Duke: @sumpter82 @kehahn I know, right? I mean, you don't want go with just plain old roses… I think I'd recommend a wild flower arrangement.
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Collin Sumpter: @kehahn @eliduke gonna order her some flowers can't decide on the arrangement tho. Uugh decisions!
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Kathryn Elizabeth: @sumpter82 @eliduke you guys know I can read your tweets right. I'm blushing... but don't stop. k thanks bye
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Eli Duke: @sumpter82 I don't blame you, man. @kehahn is a real catch. I mean, she's super smart, super hilarious, and super hot. Can't go wrong there.
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Collin Sumpter: @eliduke @kehahn awe thanks Katie and just clicked from the very first tweet. Basically twitter soul mates
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Collin Sumpter: @kehahn well at least the guys think they are jcrew models and have convinced you long enuff to get you to let them buy u dinner 😊
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Kathryn Elizabeth: @sumpter82 FO SHO! I feel like I've been dead on twitter lately and I know this is where the majority of our relationship takes place.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: @sumpter82 I like to think about my responses before I tweet them! Can't you tell I spent a long time on that one?
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Fackin A... How many times are Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon gonna get married?! We get it... you two love each!
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Gooby Pls: The real guilt happen at CVS. Quiet, intimate transactions with soft rock playing. No real busy lines. Playful small-talk that ends sour.
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Gooby Pls: It's easy to let down a cashier at a gas station because it's loud and everyone is angry anyway cause gas is expensive.
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Gooby Pls: Why do I feel guilty when I don't have a rewards card? I feel like I can't look the cashier in the eye after I tell her I don't have one.
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Allison Osborn: I keep having this reoccurring desire to cook a package of ramen, drain the water off, and pick it up in my hands and eat it all at once.
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Eli Duke: Yeah! Uh! Unfollow yourself, @sumpter82! That's right. Ha! Srsly, @kehahn. You crack my shit up. I don't have near enough of you in my life.
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Allison Osborn: Tomorrow night is going to be Titanic 3D take 3... I learned some tricks to avoid the motion sickness.
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Eli Duke: @kehahn I tried so hard not to dance OR get pregnant to that song, but I failed miserably. I'm shaking my pregnant ass all over the place!
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Kathryn Elizabeth: @akstrahan well you know how the saying goes... "Don't play @Chromeo unless you're prepared to have a fetus inside of you." right?!
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Allison Osborn: I always hope that people from high school won't recognize me when they come into my store since I wear glasses now. #clarkkent
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Damien Fahey: My favorite thing to do is get on the PA system at Trader Joe's and announce they cancelled Coachella.
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Morgen Myrdal: Factory farming is a public health concern. Your fried chicken could kill me. Is it time I start caring that more people don't care?
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Kelly Oxford: 100% cried to 'Wild Horses' on plane while thinking about 'Fear' scene where Witherspoon gets fingerbanged by Wahlberg on a rollercoaster :(
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Chris Mc Dougall: Better luck tomoro. 54 of us searched today,plus dogs,planes, horses, choppers, and still no sign of caballo. Baffling.
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Mark Rennie: @plain_lo Or you could come to a fun improv show at 11pm at the Tres Stages at Sunset and La Brea. Or read your DUMB book. Whatever.
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Hunkey Dunnels: Moonshine is too romantic of a name for a liquid that could substitute gasoline in a survival scenario.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: and then the designers of the Beetle Turbo and the PT Cruiser held hands and cried about being massive failures
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Kathryn Elizabeth: The VW Beetle Turbo designers were like "If we make this look more like a Porsche, maybe people will finally respect it."
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Tara Long: suppose god really WAS one of us, and i just saw him taking a dump on a dog at 16th and mission. what exactly is my recourse here?
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N8duke: Our plane got hit by lightning coming into salt lake. It was absolutely horrifying to hear an explosion & see sparks shoot out of the engine
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Ashley Strahan: My cat and I are chillen in my bed making up songs about catnip. So far the lyrics are pretty stupid but we're having a great time.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Ths betch on FoodNetwrk has 13 burners going &evrythng she's cooking is for 1meal. This is y men have unreasonble expctations in the kitchn.
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Unsk: Winds on the planet Saturn have been recorded at over 1000mph. Eat shit Jupiter
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Now I'm Worried: Now I'm worried that if I lay in a hammock and move an inch it will toss me onto the ground like a pancake.
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Unsk: With all of these amazing shows about science and the universe,why don't more people watch them? #hooked
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Kathryn Elizabeth: I might not know u personally but if u wear a visor NOT ironically, I already know everything I need to know about you... And it's not good.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Watching America's Most Wanted & I think I've seen all of these fugitives. I'm definitely not paranoid. I'm just well connected.
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Laura Buttery: Birds are taking turns taking baths in a puddle in our driveway. It's cute! Probly the only cute thing they do besides be babies.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Probably should've deleted the word "polygamist" in my Google search bar BEFORE my boss walked over.
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Mark Rennie: Listening to Smashing Pumpkins 'ADORE' for the first time in years! So good....kinda long though...next song is 8 min?!?! UGH. I hate it!
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Ben Pruce: Nothing saddens me more than hearing law students argue the merit of proper citing of sources. If they can pass the bar, its far too low.
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Harris Wittels: New invention: "Opposite Sweetener." when something's too sweet, add it, de-sweetens it. (granulated bitterness)
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Allison Osborn: I become aware of my maturity level when I giggle at things like "two cup item" being the crossword clue for "bra"
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Gosia Pastusiak: When Jeff stayed last I couldn't figure out what towel he used after a shower. Turns out he thought I left him my HAND towel to use.
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Mark Rennie: If the TMNT creators sign off on Michael Bay's take, that's good enough for me. After all, they are MASTERS OF STORYTELLING.
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Iangphillips: The people next to me are discussing what humanity was like "when we lived with the dinosaurs." We were smaller, apparently.
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Dave Zirin: So the US Congress wants to investigate bounties and violence in the NFL? Glass houses, peoples. Bring the troops home first.
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Morgen Myrdal: when just looking at a photo of the guy you're hooking up with makes you jealous of the hypothetical, well maybe he's just too damn sexy.
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Allison Osborn: I wonder what it would be like to spend your life smelling like a beer spilled inside of an ashtray.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: Just saw a super husky tatted skinhead dude in a kilt & a tshirt that said "meat is murder"- Honestly never been more confused in my life.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: I just hope Tim Tebow is ok w/ all of this news. I wonder what he is doing right now. Definitely not sex.
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Kathryn Elizabeth: "Hello Sunshine" - Gap's email subject line this morning. When did I start dating Gap? Why am I crying right now?
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Jenny Slate: top dresser drawer in my old room:found an apology letter from an old bf.He was SO sorry&scared. What did he do?!i cant remember.u r 4given?
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Nikita : i forget what it's called when you work late then work early in the morning because i've been doing that too much lately
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Morgen Myrdal: today i saw my manager/boytoy almost get beat up by some inebriated assholes. i felt the girly, irrational urge to try to help. #stpattysday
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Elise Worthy: Film by Aphex Twin just came on. Such a good throwback song and so, so perfect for hacking.
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Kyle Kinane: If your neck tattoo says anything other than "Big Tits, Hot Dogs, and Rock and Roll," you've made a huge mistake with your life.
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Jenny Slate: So, like, nothing bad happens if you just eat dirt, right? Like if you just ate dirt? Like side effects or anything pretty bad?
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Morgen Myrdal: Just saw a bunch of undercover cops tackle and handcuff 2 drug dealers outside of a pizza joint. #goosenecking
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Rob Huebel: 'Thin Mints' are a lie. They don't work. Girl Scouts made me a fatty so they can feel superior about their own weirdo, pre-teen bodies.
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Tim Siedell: Sorry I'm two hours late for work but I was trying to open a Toaster Strudel icing packet with wet hands.
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Shane Becker: Robin & @jessicaspacekat are vanning from SF to @Farmhouse Conf. Are you funny enough to make Robin laugh until she cries?
No riff raff.
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Hrrrthrrr: Trying to talk my roommate into buying a mini cooper with me so that we can name them Winnie and Kevin.
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Aj Foster: The Idler Wheel is wiser than the Driver of the Screw, and Whipping Cords will serve you more than Ropes will ever do.
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Unsk: Inspired by my friends seeing the pan-fucking-tera cello group, I haven't stopped listening to them since Saturday.my neck is sore #phil
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Billy Madison: Well, that makes two of us, then, baby, but it takes more than two to tango. Or somethin' like that.
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Now I'm Worried: Now I’m worried because if my pill cutter is slightly off I could have too little Celebrex or a little too much Celebrex.
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Gosia Pastusiak: After dinner we did cake/presents/champagne. Also talked about how awful almost pooping your pants is.
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Ali Phillips Coleman: Headed to the bank today to talk about refinancing our house. Good thing I'm a little hungover or else it'd be a bit too adult for comfort.
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Lauren Caltagirone: I have the WORST song stuck in my head... wait, no, it's actually just an image of me riding a tandem bicycle by myself. Felt like music.
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Jenny Slate: PS: that last tweet was preceeded by me asking @gabeliedman "Can u take a pic of me talking on my banana? I have a tweet."
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Hey! Where'd all the tweets go? Click here to see them all, but it's gonna take a sec...